Validation; a dependence not worth fighting for.
- gracemcloughlin15
- Sep 3, 2024
- 3 min read
This blog post is designed as a creative outlet, exploring my once unhealthy relationship between low self-esteem and validation- a dependence not worth fighting for. This will be written with an application to dance, and how it affected my experience within practice.
I hope this can be used as a tool of recognition and comfort, reminding you that you are not alone, but encouraging you to take some time for self-investment.
Read for a dirty dissection of each relationship component…
Low Self Esteem As a Dancer...
As I worked my way up the mountains of dance classes and training, I valued creativity, execution and technique as a means of lifestyle and commitment. Reaching the peak of the mountain, recognition and admiration hit a simultaneous peak and I felt content with myself as I embodied the role as a dancer. Soothed by excitement and stability, I had meaningful aspirations and goals within the dance industry, though I never managed to cross the tightrope at the top of a mountain- the tight rope which signified a fragile boundary between criticism and perfectionism.
With pride, I admit to my dedication; with sorrow, I admit to my downfall.
A downfall of my inspiration, creativity and motivation; a downwards spiral of energy, passion and self-love.
A healthy desire to excel and achieve. Through behaviors which can be regulated, and conscious, perfectionistic training is pursued by dancers, although, I didn’t stick the landing of my grand jete, finding myself tumbling down a rabbit hole of perfectionism. Perfectionism referring to the procrastination, shame and feelings of failure and anxiety which psychologically damaged my self-esteem.
A gradual and unconscious shift in my mindset meant that my focus was no longer on dance as an art form and dance became only a way to compete against myself. Failing or falling short of goals translated to inadequacy and worthlessness accompanied with guilt and embarrassment.
Dancer's who need validation...
Low self-esteem plagued my ability to encourage, compliment and train for myself. External validation from dance teachers or classmates was a dependency: I needed approval and satisfaction from others to confirm my ability until I eventually became reliant on these sources making goals for me, encouraging me and complimenting me. If this wasn’t received, I would become vulnerable to a prolonged episode of self-scrutiny.
Frustration, anger and hate do not fuel quality performance.
A hyper awareness of perception, from both me and others, blocked my creative enhancement, attitude for dancing and the development of my morals and identity whilst increasing my agitation, mood-swings and risk of injury.
External validation kept the ribbons on my pointe shoes secure for some time, but they became lost with every debilitating symptom.
Guilt was stuck to me like ballet tights on sweaty legs when I attempted setting boundaries within professional dance relationships. Training alone was a dark, terrifying experience and my biggest fear was being alone. Decisions had to be made for me, losing my independence and freedom… and saying yes to things I wasn’t comfortable with due to a fear of being judged or abandoned. Punishing myself for not being acknowledged, going through frantic (exhausting) efforts to be chosen, becoming emotionally distressed if criticised.
My persona got lost backstage. I was just who others thought I was.
Ultimately, I was insecure with my ability and placed unrealistic expectations which were a burden on my mental and physical health. Therefor, I became dependent on my peers and teachers and obsessed with receiving their praise. Rejection or abandonment became my biggest fear, despite it being so common within the dance industry. I wasn’t settled, nor confident enough to cope with rejection with healthy habits.
For more content, subscribe to my blog. More articles about validation will be focused on how to overcome, types of validation and a deep dive into how self-esteem and validation are linked.
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